Guys…this… I can’t even.
It’s my birthday, and I’ve been saving this for a very special occasion. It was originally meant for different blog, but I have to do it here. You see, Ippick and I have gotten to be pretty good pals these last few months. He’s a crass, cranky old troll, and I sort of like that in a guy. He felt compelled to do this, and far be it from me to get in the way of a troll on a mission. First of all, he’s bigger than me. Second…well, he’s a freaking troll! Just go with it. It’s worth it, I promise. Selah and I learned the hard way not to piss off the trolls.
Disclaimer from SJ: Take Ippick’s advice at your own risk. Most of his suggestions would probably get charges filed against you, so read this for kicks and giggles and not as advice you’d actually try. Seriously, just don’t. Remember, he’s a troll, and he definitely likes to rile people up.
A Lass’s Guide to Dating in the Modern Realm
By Ippick Bonecrusher
I’m not surprised t’be asked for my romantical advice. Bein’ one of the prime troll bachelors in Kingdom City gives me a unique perspective to be able to help poor whiny single sods like all ye readin’ this thing.
First off, lasses, all the drivel and tripe yer readin’ in books is all well an’ good, but yer wastin’ all yer time with all those nicey nicey gestures. Think of all the money yer pourin’ out on flowers or self-help books when ye could take it down to the strip clubs and meet someone there! Now I’m sure I’m rufflin’ feathers, but lasses, I mean ye, too, as I’m told women occasionally like to indulge in that kinda thing (though most females I take me clothes off for start payin’ me to put ‘em back on. Even then there’s no reason t’get offended. I make back what I had to pay to buy ‘em dinner).
If ye wanna meet someone, go where people are. Don’t go sighin’ in yer room or poutin’ under a table somewhere. Go out to one of those new-fangled coffee places or stores or the like. I don’t like online datin’ meself, simply because while it’s easy for ye to make yerself seem better, it’s just as likely the person yer chattin’ up is making himself or herself look better. A good friend of mine had problems with online shenanigans, so be warned.
So yer shy and ye manage to pry yerself out of the house and go somewhere where there’s people. Well, then ye need to practice. Just go up to some random sod and say “Hey there handsome, you smelt my iron if ye know what I mean” or “Fe fi fo fum, drop yer pants ‘cause here I come!” or whatever the love talk is nowadays. If they’re taken aback and ye think ye can put up with em, great! If yer not really interested, just walk away before they answer. If they start to turn ye down, just bust out laughin’, point at them, and walk off, shakin’ yer head. That’ll keep em on their toes and wonderin’ why yer so special and superior.
If ye happen to see someone who ye really want to fill yer grainsack, just knock ‘em with yer club or shoppin’ cart or somethin’ to let them know yer interested. Not enough to give ‘em a concussion, mind ye, just a tap or four. If ye don’t have anything t’whack ‘em with, just kick ‘em in the knee a few times.
Once ye have the interest of someone, ye gotta keep them on their toes. Don’t compliment ‘em too much, but if ye do make sure it’s really sweet lovey talk like ‘yer eyes remind me of those creepy dolls that can stare right through the soul an’ back.’ If yer worried about new-fangled issues like who pays, just make sure ye leave the table at a restaurant before they do so they hafta pay the bill. If they seem huffy, just hit ‘em with that lovey talk afterwards and they’ll get over it. If they don’t, then they’re an idjit and ye should dump ‘em, takin’ care to really hit them with yer club this time. Ye ladies want us to think yer worth it, so ye gotta train the mate you want. Now, granted, I’m single, but I’m single for my own self-preservation. I’ve seen what marriage means for my friend Uljah, and it ain’t somethin’ I’m willin’ to risk me life over anytime soon. But if that’s somethin’ ye want, then ye gotta suck it up and go all in. Remember yer worth it, even if yer stupid looking or a little dim. Don’t waste time on makeovers or betterin’ yerself, just put yerself out there and keep kickin’ people until ye find the mate that’s right for ye.
Ippick Bonecrusher is a mean sonofadragon who resides in Kingdom City, The Land. A real estate agent by trade, he also occupies many odd jobs to make up for his poor people skills. Although this is Ippick’s first attempt at freelance writing, he is very prone to giving unsolicited advice. You can find him in Olde School, book one of The Kingdom City Chronicles, which can be found in Print, Kindle, Nook, and Kobo.
* * * * *
Selah Janel has been blessed with a giant imagination since she was little and convinced that fairies lived in the nearby state park or vampires hid in the abandoned barns outside of town. The many people around her that supported her love of reading and curiosity probably made it worse. Her e-books The Other Man, Holly and Ivy, and Mooner are published through Mocha Memoirs Press. Lost in the Shadows, a collection of short stories celebrating the edges of ideas and the spaces between genres was co-written with S.H. Roddey. Her work has also been included in The MacGuffin, The Realm Beyond, Stories for Children Magazine, The Big Bad: an Anthology of Evil, The Big Bad 2, The Grotesquerie, and Thunder on the Battlefield: Sorcery. Olde School is the first book in her series, The Kingdom City Chronicles, and is published through Seventh Star Press. She likes her music to rock, her vampires lethal, her fairies to play mind games, and her princesses to hold their own. Catch up with Selah at http://www.selahjanel.wordpress.com, http://www.facebook.com/authorSJ, or @SelahJanel on Twitter.